Big American

Every day, I walk the streets of Amsterdam. I see Dutch people everywhere. They are biking all over the place, usually while smoking, dialing the phone, and stabilizing an 8-year-old child.

I have concluded that I am, quite possibly, the fattest person in Amsterdam. In over two weeks, I have never seen a person bigger than me. I am setting Dutch world records, and in all the wrong categories.

Don't get me wrong: I'm pretty fat in the U.S., too. But I see people on a regular basis who are larger than me, often quite a bit larger.

There are no fat people here. Dutch people are, as a rule, thin as a rail. I commonly see men over six feet tall who weigh no more than 135 lbs. They wear t-shirts that would have felt snug on me sometime after my 3rd birthday. Gaydar is useless here.

The how of this is still somewhat of a mystery. The national snacks, bitterballen, are fried balls of sausage and gravy. They are unhealthy and delicious. They eat pancakes for dinner, most often with ham and melted cheese. These are served with massive pints of beer, and I can guarantee you nobody is drinking Miller Light.

Nonetheless, the result is that I am a curiosity here. There is staring, and the first thing they think is: American. I have stood quietly in the street and had people address me directly in English. If I responded in Dutch they would be shocked. They know what they are looking at. I am a walking American obesity epidemic.

This translates into amusing marketing campaigns. You can stick this Dr. Oetker's Big Americans Texas-Style Pizza into your oven and be eating like a Big American in just minutes. Everyone knows that the best pizza comes from Texas, land of Big Americans! Like all Big Americans, our Texas-style pizzas are crispy on the outside, soft on the inside!

I did not actually buy this pizza, of course, for fear of dying from shame.