Mike Learns How To Use The Dryer

Did you know there were different kinds of dryers? I didn't.

There are heat dryers, which you have just called "dryers," because that's what dryers do, and it's redundant. But in the land of Oz, there are also "condenser dryers," that use no heat at all, but somehow claim to dry your clothes. With tumbling and devil-magicks, apparently, because how the hell do you dry clothes without heat?

This dryer was nearly the site of my biggest defeat, my First Anglo-Dutch War of 1652-54, as it were, except without all the shady mercantilism. You see, you can push those buttons all you want, but nothing happens. And then you start to think, maybe nothing does happen, and an hour later the clothes come out dry. Because Europeans are crazy, pro-environment devil-worshipping witches and that's just how it works.

The washer was hard enough, with the 77 bottles and none of them looking like laundry detergent. Although several of them look like they'd make a delicous addition to a Panang curry. I figured that out, but the insane dryer was doing absolutely nothing, simply lording over me with its cold, dead white soul. If you look closely, you can see its devil marks above the buttons. The orange one slaughters a puppy.

The key is the bizarre square device in the upper left corner, which you probably didn't even notice. Lord knows you wouldn't want to wash & dry at the same time, for fear of blowing the 17th century building to smithereens. So that device only allows you to do one at a time, and when you want to do the other, you have to pull the appropriate cord. Right cord, washer. Left cord, dryer. With right cord, there will be no drying. Left cord, no washing. It will, however, eat up two hours figuring it out.

Whew. I think I deserve some of that Panang-Woolite curry now.